Mom makes me go to the grocery store every week with her to help. It’s the same routine every time…drive to the store, pace down every single aisle, even though mom has a list of the things she wants, buy our groceries and go home. There’s never a detour. Except today. We get there and park, as usual. But instead of hoping out the car, my mom hesitates. A guy parked next to us rolls down his window. It’s my dad’s friend George. My mom tells me to go get ice cream at the shop next to the grocery store. I asked her why because we NEVER do that. And she NEVER let’s me go a store by myself. I’m only 8 and too little she says. She told me to stop asking questions and just go get the ice cream. Well I’m not going to argue with that. I go and get my ice cream and look out the window of the shop to see my mom and George hugging. Then I think I saw them kiss. But I don’t know. Why would they be kissing? But I’ve never seen them hug before, and I definitely saw them do that.

When I get back from my ice cream we go to the store. My mom tells me not to tell dad that we ran into George. I don’t understand what’s going on. It doesn’t feel right though. It’s bothering me actually. But I think my mom will get in trouble if I say something to my dad, or I’ll get in trouble if I say something, so I’m just going to do what she told me to do and keep quiet.

Was this the first time I felt like I needed to take care of my mom? Over the years she has increasingly relied on me for various things, and as normal of an experience I think that might be – the tides turning and parents increasingly relying on their adult children – I never questioned WHEN this started to happen. I certainly don’t think 8 is a normal age for that process to begin. Thinking of it now, that’s a heavy burden to put on a child…keep one parent’s secret from your other parent, not some silly secret like a frivolous purchase or a bend in the house rules…a secret you can feel deep down is wrong. It was the beginning of a child taking on an emotional burden for the sake of her mom’s well-being, a child being put in a no-win moral dilemma and suddenly submerged into the world of adult problems when my gravest concerns in life should have been getting my homework done and cleaning up after myself.

This moment was the beginning of the snowball…a little clump of ice that eventually was rolled into the boulder it has become today. And it has had its fair share of consequences. It’s made my fuse short when my mom comes to me with yet another “thing” she needs from me. It’s made me into a person who always attends to other people’s emotional needs, at the price of tucking my own away. I don’t trust anyone to be a support to me emotionally since my emotions never seemed to be at the forefront of anyone’s concern. That last realization hurts me to my core every time I think about  it..

Always one to make lemonade out of lemons, at least it’s a feeling I’ve been able to identify and know I never want my own kids to experience. I don’t expect them to keep a secret from their father; I never want them to feel like they’re in the middle. And I constantly check in with my children emotionally…how they feel, generally and about specific issues that come up. We talk about other people/kids – recognizing when they’re not having the best day and empathizing with them, acknowledging that they may be dealing with something really hard and are just acting out because they’re overwhelmed or haven’t been taught how to deal with it. I talk about my emotions, and when they’re not on the bright side I always follow up with what I’m doing to address it, or take accountability and apologize if I lose my cool with them. It’s never a dump session expecting my kids to help me in any way: it’s communicating and expressing that emotions are normal and ok to talk about, especially with Mom. That we have good days and bad. That we have to take accountability when our emotions lead us to not so ideal behavior and empathize when others don’t take accountability for theirs. That I will be there always when they need me, emotionally or otherwise. Giving this gift to my kids, the space to feel safe to experience their own emotions and healthily acknowledge other people’s without taking on their baggage, is as good as a silver lining as I can gain from my own childhood experience.

To this day, my dad doesn’t know about that meeting in the grocery store parking lot…