I wake up to Dad telling me to put my shoes and jacket on. My brothers are already dressed. We pile into the car and drive to the bowling alley. It’s late, I’m not sure how late, but I go to bed around 9pm so it was later than that. We pull up next to Sue’s car in the bowling alley where Sue and her kids are waiting. She and Dad are talking and don’t seem happy. Us kids are all laughing and playing around as best we can, not really questioning why we’re sitting in our respective station wagons in the middle of the night. They keep looking across the parking lot; I follow their gaze and see my mom’s car sitting there. Eventually Mom pulls up with her friend Shelly; she says they went to go get ice cream and they took only one car. I’m confused….why wouldn’t Mom just meet Shelly at the ice cream store? Or drive to Shelly’s house and go to the store from there? That’s what I would do, well if I was old enough to drive. Dad doesn’t seem happy. That’s odd. Dad is rarely in a bad mood…

I look back at this memory as the first time I realized something wasn’t quite right within my family. I was in third grade so I couldn’t have been more than nine years old. Yet I had enough intuition to know something was wrong with the scenario that was unfolding. Maybe it was noticing the usual patterns of behavior and routines were off. My dad never woke us up in the middle of the night to take a ride, to park in the bowling alley of all places. Maybe it was noticing the look on my Dad’s and Sue’s faces. It wasn’t quite anger, but what I recognize now as a hungry anticipation, preparing to pounce on an opportunity to validate their suspicions.

At nine years old, this is a defining moment in my life that changed its course forever. It’s an experience that has shaped much of my life, for better or worse. This memory often comes up when discounting the awareness I assume my own children do(n’t) have. I think perhaps maybe they don’t pick up on the “grown up” stuff that’s going on around them, only to reflect on my own awareness at that age. We are naive to think we’re fooling our children; they may not be able to connect all of the dots but they know when something is up. Which is a disheartening realization when you conclude that your job as a parent is to shield them from unnecessary drama yet somehow live out your life in a way that you’re still trying to navigate; aren’t we always learning through our life experiences? And it’s inevitable that your kids will be exposed to SOMETHING; even if you try to live your life fully with your kids’ best interests in mind, life still happens and it’s unpredictable. Not acknowledging the pain points doesn’t mean you magically make them disappear and your kids are none the wiser; they know. The question is what do you want them to take away from those moments? I’m still trying to figure that part out.